January 14, 2000
When my youngest child was 8 months old I discovered I was 3 months pregnant. Because I was breastfeeding my daughter, it was easy for me to ignore the early signs, lack of monthly flow, tiredness, etc. It wasn't until my milk started to disappear that I realized my condition. I went to planned parenthood who referred me to a clinic. I had to wait almost a week before I could get in. That was the longest week of my life. I kept going back and forth between having the baby and having the abortion. If I decided on the abortion I wanted to do it that week before I got any further along.
I took many things into consideration while trying to make this decision. I felt that my husband and I were too old to have another child. I had suffered through post partum depression with each of my pregnancies. The second pregnancy was worse than the first and required medication. I was terrified of going through it a third time. We didn't have a real support system as his parents are 3,000 miles away and my mother is too sick to help (and I am her guardian). Add to that the fact that I didn't feel emotionally or physically capable of giving three children, two of them 14 months apart, all of the attention that I felt they required. Some people say that you should have your children close together and "get it over with". I never viewed the infancy of my children as something to "get over with". I wanted to cherish every second.
Everyone at the clinic was very nice. I cried during the entire "counseling" session, and the nurse asked me if this is what I wanted, it wasn't really, but I had determined that this was the best thing for my family. It was really weird but the day of the actual abortion, I had this incredible calm inside me (though when I think back I am sure it was from the Demerol shot they had given me the day before). The actual procedure itself was relatively painless, but the sounds were horrible. I will never forget hearing the vacuum suction and thinking about what that meant. While I was checking out there was an ultrasound picture of my empty womb on top of my chart. It made me very sad.
That night I cried and cried. For weeks I couldn't go to the baby section of any store. I would see families who had children very close together and think they can handle it, what is wrong with me that I felt I couldn't. I was very sad and depressed. I decided that I needed to do something so I went to the library. The book that really helped me is titled, I'll Hold You in Heaven. This book, written by a minister [Jack Hayford] , offers comfort to parents of babies who have died due to miscarriage, abortion, stillbirth, etc. He believes that the soul of that aborted baby is waiting for it's mother in heaven. I am convinced that my baby was a little boy. I have apologized to that sweet little boy over and over in my mind, but it doesn't ease my guilt.
My husband, God bless him, was wonderful, even though I knew he wanted this baby, he told me he would support whatever decision I made. He was very worried that I would regret having the abortion and would second guess myself the rest of my life, which is what I have done.
It has been 4 months since the abortion and I have good days and bad. I wish I would have discovered I was pregnant sooner or gotten pregnant later. I wish that none of this had happened. The baby would have been due around the end of February and I am sure that will be a difficult time for me. My husband had a vasectomy about three weeks after my abortion. I wish he had not done it, but he felt that if we wanted another baby we should have gone through with the pregnancy we had been given. He is right.
* Not her real name
