February 27, 2002
I need to say from the onset that my story of abortion had nothing to do with any coercion from anyone.
I can't attribute any blame to anyone else but myself. I can't accuse my family of lack of support, I can't plead too young, or too poor. I can't even accuse the father of encouraging me.
I was a financially stable, Catholic 33 year old with the constant love and support of a mum, dad and 4 brothers.
Nor can I plead ignorance.
I have made "Walks For Life", an anti abortion walk. My mother had always told me there was no problem I couldn't tell her that we couldn't work out — and during my teenage years, directly mentioned any pregnancy.
I got through those years.
Today is the 2nd anniversary of my abortion. I was with Adam for 4 years. I loved him 'up to the sky and back', but after 4 years we agreed there was no future. We broke up and I was to move out in one month's time.
I went off the pill because we simply weren't having sex. However one night we did. How can someone fall pregnant so soon?!!
I was totally panic-stricken. I wanted to ring my mother because I knew I could trust her to support me. But I was old enough now, and instead I rang my brother.
Adam came around to see me too. I resented him, for lots of reasons: because he got me pregnant, because he didn't come to the doctor with me, but most of all because he didn't have the first idea of what to do. He was hopeless. Neither able to offer comfort or strength. He left it all up to me.
But that is Adam.
My blame toward him was not fair.
I decided to go ahead with an abortion.
Adam and I went to the clinic. As I was getting knocked out I heard the girl next to me call out 'No', and then I fell asleep pregnant, and woke up not pregnant.
Simple!!
I have never cried so hard.
What did I do?
What have I lost?
What have I created for me?
And the selfish thought amongst it all this is that I am now 35 and no closer to having a baby — something that I have always wanted — but, as I have always hoped, in the right circumstances.
And yet I have no partner or prospect of.
Have I blown my only oppotunity of being a mum? Perhaps I deserve that anyway.
I always wonder about the girl who cried out 'No', and her baby.
