June 27, 2001
When I was 17, I was madly in love with Robbie. We were so connected, but we were forbidden to see each other shortly after our romance took off.
I recall being in my room wishing that I would get pregnant and no one would keep us apart, ever.
We would be bonded with our child and could be a family. We chose names for our children we would have someday, "Andy" and "Angel". We dreamed of being together forever.
One January morning, I took a pregnancy test after missing my period. Instantly, it showed both lines. I was pregnant!
Where was my happiness that I had imagined? Instead, I burst into tears, devastated and scared.
I told Robbie I was pregnant. He was only 16. He said we would make it.
That day at school, I decided that I should have an abortion.
I was terrified what my catholic family would think; my parents for sure. And I knew that being pregnant and having Rob's child would cause even greater trouble with his parents and home life.
I called my mom from school, and she guessed why I was calling.
I told her my plan, and she said nothing.
When I told Rob about the abortion, he agreed it was best and would split the cost.
Deep inside I wanted him to say "no", that we would make it, like he said before.
At the clinic, I had an abortion, and I think a part of me died that day. I was forbidden to ever speak of it to anyone by my mother. I ended up hating Robbie, he became mean and we lost each other.
For years I wrote suicide letters, wishing I were dead, dreaming of Robbie and our baby I killed.
Eventually time passed and I suppressed everything until I found Rob again, almost 10 years later.
When I found Rob, it brought everything up again, but more intense.
I was married with 2 boys, now.
When I looked at Rob I saw the face of a child that was ours. And I realized that not only I lost our baby that I also lost my soul mate.
We had a whirlwind relationship that ended quickly because I was married and I hadn't waited for him when he said he would come back for me when he turned 18. And seeing him was so painful.
It's been 6 months since I saw Rob last, and my pain is so intense.
I dream of our baby, what she would have looked like. Living with my soul mate.
I know I am being punished by something greater. I took the life of our baby, and for that, knowing my soul mate and never being with him or my baby is a way for me to be punished 'til the day I die.
I would give my life to hold Rob and my baby, to touch, smell, hear and see our little Angel. And to say I'm sorry for a life that I destroyed.
