October 09, 2001
I was engaged to my best friend, my soulmate. He begged me to become pregnant for months before I actually did it. I got pregnant on our second try in January 2000 and I miscarried three days after I found out. I/we were devastated so we tried again.
Two weeks later I was pregnant again. I bled through the first couple of months and was on bed-rest. He left me four days after I found out I was pregnant, after he said he was ecstatic, after HE PURPOSEFULLY TRIED AGAIN.
The following week he said he wanted nothing to do with me or our child and would only pay child support "if" I decided to have this baby, but abortion seemed to be my best option. He wouldn't come to any of the doctors appointments and I had several close calls (spontaneous abortion) he wasn't there for any of it, the emergency room, the three ultrasounds, nothing.
Finally, at 9 weeks and 3 days, after I heard the heartbeat and got a beautiful picture of our little baby, which I emailed to him, I finally 'lost it' and gave up all hope. I was devastated, embarrassed, ashamed and NOBODY helped me or supported me AT ALL, not even my own mother.
I was completely alone with so many people telling me the "right" thing to do was abort this child. So many stories of how I would be a poor mom not able to feed my child, working three jobs, and having to explain to my child why his or her daddy doesn't want us, not even to see his child once.
I was scared to death and severely depressed. So three days after I sent him the picture of his child he dropped off $300 on my car windshield so I could go to a clinic and have an abortion ALONE.
He turned nice again the following week after I'd set the date with my doctor but couldn't bring himself to stop me or say he wanted the child.
He was only nice to me until the abortion was over of course. I even had sex with him believing that he loved me.
The day after the abortion he claimed to be very sad and crying alot, said he'd buy me a little ring to wear on my necklace or do something in memory of the baby. It never happened, and it's 7 months later. Rarely even mentions it unless I bring it up when we talk which is rare.
I've been on three different types of antidepressants, I've had major problems with my menstrual cycle, it still hasn't regulated. I've had 12 day long periods and even skipped a month here and there. I'm scheduled for cryosurgery to remove cancerous cells in two weeks. The physical part may or may not have anything to do with the abortion, maybe it's my payback, but the emotional aspect is ten fold.
Not one day has gone by that I haven't cried, not one day has gone by that I haven't felt regret and shame.
Everyone around me has turned up pregnant and I can barely look at them. Seeing a young child makes me cry, a pregnant woman, a happy couple.
My due date is 16 days away from today and I feel like I'm getting progressively worse. There are times when I want to die. Nobody cares because it was my decision, or you can't tell anyone why you're sad because your ashamed and don't want them to think bad of you.
I know that I would've struggled financially, but I also know that my child would've been (and is) loved more then anything I've ever loved. I've dealt with this silent hell ALONE for months now.
Therapy is something I tried but couldn't do, my best friend is pregnant and I don't want to ruin that for her, my ex doesn't seem to care what I feel and hasn't been there for me at all. It's a silent pain, either because you can't tell, or because people don't respect the difficult choice you were backed into making.
With no support and little emotional stability it's a choice that I wish I'd had sought out professional counseling on, and I highly recommend that any woman does so before making this permanent choice. Like most women who choose to do this, I felt stuck, I felt alone, and I felt like I couldn't give my child a good enough life. I was wrong and I am filled with sorrow and remorse each day.
I have always been and remain pro-choice, however, I wanted to share my story with others so that they hopefully can understand and have a better grasp on the consequences of such a permanent life choice. This is YOUR choice, and once you make your choice, and not everyone else's choice, everything will fall into place. There are so many people and organizations that can help you raise your child. Love is the best thing you can give a child.
This story is not meant to make a choice for you, only to help you see what some women go through after such a choice. The choice is yours and whatever you decide to do is right for you and only you can know that.
Nobody ever told me how badly this would hurt me emotionally, or for how long. It's been seven months and I still have mornings when I wake up and realize it all over again like it happened the previous day.
In no way does this story even come close to being able to describe the emotional anguish I feel on a daily basis. It does NOT list the moments I feel nauseous, the hours I cry alone in bed, the days I can't eat and the days I eat too much.
Please, please, please take time out and away from everyone in your life to be alone and think about what you really want. This is your life and your child. Nobody has to live with the decision you make but you. NOBODY ELSE.
* Not her real name
