June 29, 2003
I was 21 when I had an abortion at 7 weeks.
I had a two year old son, and had just recently separated from his father after 6 years.
After our separation, I had a one night stand with a man I met at a night club. It was fun, but it was not worth the years of hell I would go through.
I remember feeling ill one night, and also that my breasts had been very sore. I started to panic. I went to the supermarket, and brought a test. Needless to say, it was postive. I was scared, shocked and confused.
A range of emotions ran through me for the next week. Terror, excitement, fear.
I decided I needed to tell the father of the baby to help me make my decision. The following Saturday, I went to the night club, where we had met, and the first thing I saw was him feeling up and kissing a girl on the dance floor.
I knew then that I would not tell him, and I would not have the baby.
I rang several clinics the next day, and my best friend, who supported me through the decision.
My friend drove me to the clinic the next day, where I was met by a cousellor and doctor who took some blood work.
The counsellor spoke to me for about 10 minutes, but didn't really seem interested when I told her I was not sure about the procedure. Deep down, I know I should have turned and ran from that horrible room and never looked back, but I didn't. The counsellor told me that if I wasn't sure, then I “wouldn't be here.”
I was taken to a room, and put on a gown. I was given a sedative. I was crying so hard.
I kept thinking of my son, and the baby. I hated myself for what I was doing. But, I went through with it.
I woke up thinking, “what have I done?” I knew what I had done was permanent, and I could not turn back. I was given a prescription for the Pill, and sent on my way.
I cried everyday for almost a year. On my baby's due date, I cried harder. I realise now, that if I had of asked for a bit more support, my baby would be alive today. I still feel guilt, and I will regret the decision I made, forever.
Today, 4 years later, I have a beautiful baby boy who is almost one, and I am four months pregnant. I am married to a wonderful man, and I am happy. I only hope God and my baby have forgiven me. But, I shall never forgive myself.
