August 08, 2003
I was 26, definitely "old" enough to have a baby. But, I was terrified. Getting pregnant triggered old fears I had related to my body and my sexuality. I was molested when I was younger, and have gone to counseling sessions to deal with the memories, but, still, this disproportionate fear sometimes overwhelms me.
I was 6 weeks pregnant when I found out. I'd been living with my boyfriend for over a year, and had a full time job with benefits. When I found out, I took my boyfriend out to dinner, and told him I was pregnant. We celebrated, clinked glasses, and talked about baby names.
That night, the fear started to creep in, and by the next morning it was all I could do to stop crying in the shower and get myself to work.
That night, still in a state of tension and turmoil, I went and saw my best friend, a women with six children of her own. Strangely enough, when I told her that I was pregnant and terrified, and couldn't do this, she gave me the number of a doctor who did abortions. She told me that she had had an abortion, between her 4 and 5th kids (who were twins) and her last. She told me it wasn't all that bad. It suddenly seemed like an easy solution to my "problem."
That night I came home and told my boyfriend I was getting an abortion. As I remember, he didn't try to talk me out of it, but he now claims that he did. Either way, he said he would support my decision.
I did a bunch of research on the internet, about different abortion techniques, and finally came upon the idea of having an herbal abortion. It seemed a more "natural" thing to do and, thus, less terrible.
At the time, I was seeing a homeopathic doctor for treatments. He was aware of my sexual abuse history, as well. I went to him the next day, and told him that I was pregnant, and wanted to have an abortion, and asked him if he could give me the herbs for an herbal abortion. I don't remember him trying to talk me out of it, either. He gave me the herbs, and I started taking them immediately. Somehow taking the herbs seemed comforting to me, even though, after a couple of days, I felt like I was being poisoned (which I was).
The herbs didn't work in the next couple of days, so I ended up going to the doctor who did surgical and chemical abortions. He did an ultrasound, and it wasn't until then that I really realized that it was a small unborn child that I was dealing with, not just this overwhelming sense of fear that I felt, too.
At that point I would have had a change of heart. I felt so much love and excitement and desire and longing to have this baby inside me. But, I had already taken the herbs, and unless I wanted to have a severely damaged baby, I had to take the pill.
So I did.
And I had the abortion.
It was the single most painful experience, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, that I have ever gone through.
And then I quit my job, broke up with my boyfriend, and ran away to another state where I smoked cigarettes constantly, and drank as much as I could.
It was awful. I wanted to forget everything I had just gone through. That lasted about six months.
I came back home, and by the grace of god got back together with my boyfriend, and moved back into my house. I couldn't get my job back, but I am working on opening my own business, now. I am just beginning to deal with the grief and the pain I feel from this abortion.
I have always considered myself a feminist. And have stood firmly on the "woman's right to choose" side of the abortion debate. Now, I think, the woman's right to choose... what? - pain, depression, guilt, regret, lost hopes and dreams? Somehow, among many feminists, there is the belief that abortion is somehow empowering. When I started taking those herbs, I felt "empowered" for a few days. I felt like I was a woman who was choosing the destiny of her own body. But when the realization set in, I felt profoundly devastated. The destiny of most abortions isn't liberation, but rather post-traumatic stress disorder.
It is very hard to live with the decision I made. I wonder sometimes why no one around me understood me enough to just tell me, "I know you are scared, but you can do this. I believe in you."
I'm actually going to go and talk to the naturopath, tomorrow, about my feelings. I've seen him around town, and he won't even say "Hi." I feel like he is mad at me for having an abortion. I want to tell him I needed someone, and even he wasn't there for me. I hope that he might learn from me, and the next time someone comes to see him like me, he might support them more, and help them through such a difficult decision in a different way.
I pray that I might also be able to help a young woman, or women someday. I think the division between liberal feminists, and conservative Christians needs to be mended so we can come together to celebrate womanhood and our ability to make babies! Nowhere, in the whole abortion debate, is the recognition and celebration of the woman and her ability to bear children.
Let's get over the pro-choice/pro-life debate, and all become pro-woman.
* Not her real name
