August 27, 2003
I'm now 21 years old, and I had my abortion 2 months ago... I was about six weeks pregnant.
It was, and has been, the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life. I didn't want to do it... I just felt stuck, like I had no choice.
My boyfriend and I had been together for only about six months, and were living together. We were not having protected sex, so my pregnancy was bound to happen.
He knew, before I did, that I was pregnant. He told me for a couple of weeks, and I kept saying, “Nah, nah… my period isn't due yet.” But I was wrong.
One Saturday, I went to the grocery store to pick up my pregnancy test, and secretly took it that day. When the pink line came up fast, I was completely shocked. I walked out of the bathroom, not being able to speak, and just motioned for my boyfriend to go look in the bathroom.
The first thing he said to me was, “His name is Alex.” I was in more shock than he was, almost crying. But in the back of my mind, I was so happy. I'd always wanted a baby. I'd always imagined myself pregnant. It was finally happening for me.
For the next few days, my boyfriend told me he'd support me in whatever decision I made, whether it was to keep it, or have and abortion. I always said I didn't know, but I secretly knew I wanted the baby. I figured, we're both adults, we both work, and I'm planning on going back to school. To top it off, we're in love and planned on getting married. I could do this.
But suddenly, he put down the line. I had to abort the baby. We weren't ready financially or emotionally, he said. I didn't want to. I cried, and cried.
I couldn't function during the day. I made an appointment at the abortion clinic. I cried, and cried. The night before my appointment, I cried, and begged him to let me keep it.
There was nothing more I wanted than to keep this baby. I wish I would have been stronger. But I wasn't, and I went through with it. The morning of my appointment was dark and rainy. We drove, and I was numb.
Once we got inside, I was shocked at how many women/girls were there. I cried from the time that they called my name, to the time I went under anesthesia.
It was the scariest thing I've ever been through. And I would never go through it again.
To this day, I hate seeing pregnant women. It can ruin my day to see one. Babies, even.
It breaks my heart to know that in February, I would have had my own. The worst thing is that I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. My boyfriend and I are still together, but it's not the same. He doesn't understand what it feels like. God love him, he does try. But a man will never know what an abortion feels like.
The moment you find out your pregnant, you have an instant bond... something that no one will never be able to understand until they experience it themselves.
Did I do the right thing? I still ask myself that everyday. If I took away the emotions, I would say, “Yes.” I'm only 21 years old, and I still have my entire life.
I'm trying to get through school, and work full time to get through it. My boyfriend and I are broke. We are scraping by, with rent every month. Financially, we could not support a baby right now.
But, with the emotions? Yes, I wish I did have that baby. That was my child and, even without any money at all, that would be the love of my life... So its hard to say. Its over now, and I have to get on with my life.
I will always love that little boy with all of my heart and, someday, I'll have him again. Till then, I just have to learn to be strong.
* Not her real name
