October 04, 2003
My journey through the horrible act of abortion started on August 10, 1997.
The test had come out positive. I had no time to really comprehend, or even think, I was just shocked.
I had to meet my parents at the airport. When my mom got off the plane, she was smiling and happy to see me, and I just burst into tears. She knew before I even said it. I was pregnant, We told my dad minutes later and even before I had said what I wanted, it was decided.
I am a heart patient, so their fear was not so much me having a baby, but me dying from the entire thing. They thought they would lose me.
The father of the baby, who became my husband later, didn't want to even deal with another child. He was in a battle for his 3-year-old son, as it was, and the thought of another was just not what he wanted.
After thought and consideration, I really wanted to have my baby, but I succumbed to the pressures around me.
On August 25th (my dad's birthday), I aborted my baby girl at 7 weeks of gestation. I knew, lying there on the cold table, it was not something I wanted, but I did it anyway. Not having any idea what was truly happening to my baby and me.
Rose was vacuumed out of my womb in less than 10 minutes; her soul was taken from me forever, and sent back to God.
It hurt physically for a few days, but the years of emotional pain have yet to leave me. I suffer from PASS or "post abortion stress syndrome." Like many veterans from wars who suffer from post traumatic stress disorder, it was a traumatic time in my life, where I shut down, and did what I had to do.
Now, today, I still grieve for my lost and only child. I have never conceived since.
I did end up marrying the father, Alex, but it was rough. I immediately tried getting pregnant again, but to no avail.
I heard the voice of my crying baby. I was consumed with trying to have another.
I was so guilty I did not know what to do. One day I just felt that dying would be enough of a trade for God to relieve me of my emotional pain from this. So, at one last attempt, I literally cried out to Jesus for help. I said, "Please Jesus, give me help, mercy and compassion. Please save me from death." I was talking about both physical, and emotional death, because if I could not kill my self I was just going to go numb and stay numb.
That very day, that very minute God answered me. He literally led me through the phone book to the Crisis Pregnancy center in my area, and got me on the phone with the kindest voice I had ever heard. I talked with a woman, who told me help was available, but I really had to be ready to receive it.
She understood my loss, my hurt, and my emotional state because she too had been there. On the fateful day of September 11th, 2001 I started my post abortion workshop and found that no matter what I had done, even murdering my child, God still loves me, wants to forgive me, and welcomes me to His arms for comfort.
I learned that no matter how hard I try, I am not going to change August 25th, 1997, but I can change every day forward of my life to the better for me and my unborn daughter.
Through the workshop, I met many other women who have gone through abortion. I saw that I was not the only woman torn apart about what I had done, and I found out that I could heal.
Today the issue of abortion still haunts me... my husband cheated on me and got another woman pregnant, not once or twice, but three times, and all three babies were aborted.
I tried getting pregnant the entire 5 years we were married. I grieve for those babies, too. They are the brothers and sisters of my daughter Rose.
Today, I am divorced, and dealing with the fact the after all I went through, I can not change somebody else. All I can do is change myself.
It has been a long journey. I miss my daughter every day, and I dream about her at times, too.
Rose would be 5 1/2 today. I know for a fact she is in heaven, I know for a fact that I will see her, and I know for a fact I am forgiven through the blood that Jesus Christ has shed for me.
I know that I may never have a child, or even be able to adopt one, but if I can help other women heal from abortions, I will try my best to do the work for my daughter's life not to be in vain.
She never lived outside of my womb, but she lives in my heart even today.
My name is Carin F. Allen, and this is real.
God bless you, and know there is help out there if you care to receive it.
