Abortion Story 068: Dale
Dale* (Australia)
November 11, 2003
I was so distressed as I lay there inside the abortion clinic, and one of the only things I remember (before the anaesthetic kicked in) was the doctor softly playing 'The Girl from Ipanema' on a stereo inside the operating room, while the abortion was taking place. He was even humming along. It makes me sick thinking about it.
They also had a bowl of condoms sitting in the waiting room. What a slap in the face.
I was so distressed and bewildered and frightened on the day it happened, I had no idea what to do.
I believe now I was in a state of deep shock at being pregnant, and felt totally unable to speak to anyone about it.
My pregnancy was the result of a one-night stand, the first time I had slept with someone in 18 months. I was reckless, but I still can't believe I fell pregnant after having sex once in 18 months! It all feels like a surreal nightmare.
Strangely enough, I loved that baby so much inside my stomach. For six weeks, I spoke to her; I felt such a connection. I even bought folate tablets to make sure the baby was healthy.
But deep down, I was struggling very badly. I wept continuously, and felt so frightened.
I was so worried about being a single mother, and not having enough money to support a child. I was worried about what others would think of me, sick at the thought of losing my high-profile job.
Now it means nothing to me.
I had the mobile phone number of the father (thankfully, he'd left it with me after our one-night stand), and decided to meet up with him to tell him about the baby. We had never met each otherwise, so it was a little awkward.
However, he was very supportive, quite warm, actually.
Two days later, he phoned me while he was drunk. He wanted to meet again, and when I turned up he physically threatened me — holding his fist up in the air, and telling me how he liked to smash people in the face.
He said I had “fucking ruined his life.” I was so shocked and frightened; I ended up physically shaking with fear for hours afterwards. All I wanted to do was protect the baby, and I was in genuine shock after he threatened me so violently.
It was this attack — and my devastation at his behaviour — which cemented my decision to have an abortion.
I now feel so angry and upset that I allowed his outrageous behaviour to influence me. I will never forgive myself for what I've done.
I've had physical pain since the abortion, but nothing compared to the emotional pain.
It was just over three months ago, and I have missed work on a couple of days because of uncontrollable crying.
I think my drinking is somewhat out of control.
I have been binge eating — almost as though I care nothing about my appearance anymore.
I feel spiritually lost, as though I have betrayed my long held religious beliefs. I feel a need to turn to God, as though he is the only thing that can save me.
Suicide has crossed my mind a couple of times, but only when I am crying uncontrollably. I feel it's good to go with the emotions — and then calm down.
Fortunately, I haven't been tempted to act on any of my harmful thoughts. I'm sure it won't happen, but it still worries me enormously to be feeling this way.
I have told no-one. I feel so ashamed of what I've done. My sister, my closest friend, is vehemently opposed to abortion. She would never forgive me if she knew.
My friends have no idea this serious event has occurred in my life. They see me as a glamorous party girl, even when I'm close to breaking down in tears about what's happened.
One friend knew I was pregnant, but I lied to her and told her I had a miscarriage. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to tell her what I'd done.
I feel like I've completely lost faith in who I am. I feel disgusting, and dirty, and just so sinful. (Mind you, I am 29 and haven't been to church since I was about 13, yet I feel so religiously affected by this event.) I just hope God will forgive me, because at the moment I hate myself.
I so wish I could talk to somebody about it, without them judging me for my mistake.
* Not her real name
